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It's been absolutely ages since I've written on this blog despite how much I love blogging. Truth to be told, if I'm really being honest with myself, there are times I don't want to blog as it makes me feel like a hypocrite. Constantly portraying a "good Christian girl" image of myself online when really my relationship with God may be suffering and Bible readings and prayer times may at times feel more like a chore than anything else, and squeezed into five minutes at the end of the day.
I have been heading into a new season, that of adulthood and it's had many surprising and unexpected twists and turns, ups and downs. Sometimes these days I make choices now that are quite different from ones I would have made in the past (such as choosing to listen to more contemporary Christian music these days when I once looked down upon anyone who listened to anything other than old hymns and classical music)! This means I am left in a perpetual state of confusion, still desiring to honour the Lord but learning to sometimes let go of my overly senstitive conscience and strict convictions. As I result I find myself wrestling over every decision and questioning every choice I make to see whether it truly matches up with what God wants as He has revealed in scripture or if it is a legalistic attitude I have developed. This is when it becomes hard for me to trust in the Lord, that He's got me and will never let me go! That I can trust Him absolutely with my future and that He won't abandon me even when I do make mistakes.
If there's one thing I've been learning in this season of my life, it can be summed up in one word:
~ Grace ~
Recieving grace. Accepting grace. Giving grace.
That following Christ is not so much about skirts versus pants, classical music versus rock music, debates as to what is "more" or "less" sinful or godly. That yes, we are called to be a light to the world, to bring God glory in everything we do but that sometimes in the pursuit of this we can loose sight of the bigger picture: that Christ came to save sinners. That this is the whole point of the gospel: that we can't do it on our own, in fact the harder we try by our own efforts the greater our sense of failure at not measuring up to His standards will be, and we will quickly feel overwhelmed by the weight of self-condemnation. That if we try purely by our own futile efforts we will inevitably fall into legalism or liberalism: whatever sits more comfortably with us.
God looks far further than the exterior appearence the "good girl" face we put on for others to see. He sees beyond the superficiality and sees every ugly attitude beneath our well-perfected exterior. And yet, despite seeing all the sin that forever resides just below the surface He still chooses to pour out His grace upon us, to love us, to save us! I'm so thankful that the Lord has also surrounded me with brothers and sisters in Christ who see straight through this facade and are willing to walk with me and grow with me, even if that means speaking having to speak the truth (that is often hard for my proud heart to hear) in love.
That said, I want to formally apologise to you dear readers. I'm just as fallen as any other person, and I don't always get it right, in fact more often than not I get it wrong. Some of the posts on this blog that I have written have not been written with a heart desiring to glorify God, but rather a heart of legalism, judgementalness, and pride. For this I apologise. Yet, mixed in with wrong attitudes, the Lord has given me a deep desire to live my life for Him out of thankfulness for all He has done and so I will leave my posts here so that you can see the journey I am on even as I am learning hard lessons. These posts testify to the fact that I am learning more and more what it means to walk in light of the cross and God's abundant grace and mercy towards me. My prayer is that despite all my failings, you'll be able to see and understand more about Christ through reading this blog and I know that that's what the other writers of this blog want too!
Please pray for me!
Anyway, I'm waffling on now, so I will leave it there!